For many years I have been working on an art project.
During this time I've come up with a number of concepts to explain a world.
This world is a representation of our own world, fantasized in abundance towards a symbol.
I wanted to be able to narrate a story that could be exciting, compelling, and instructional.
At some point in my journey I started to feel like the events in the world were becoming a matter of synchronicity. The fledging idea that my work may be a self-fulfilling prophecy became a growing concern; the scientific conceptualization of things is the plateau of my discomfort. A turning point for when I would say that I didn't want to continue.
The reason that I took on the venture in the first place was due to the request of an old friend. It was during my mid-teenage years and there was a lot more going on under the surface than anyone wanted to talk about. Fortunately it wasn't a secret, the nature of events didn't allow themselves to be hidden or even have a chance to be disguised. Nonetheless, my motives were purely based on the entertaining value of story-telling and how I could serve God through my talents instead of myself.
Given my age, I think I was a bit deluded and arrogant. Though my intent wasn't selfish or evil in nature, it certainly was arrogant and ambitious. Perhaps I knew in my head then that I wouldn't ever become a millionaire due to my abilities.. I never have been a wishful thinker and that kind of hope is beyond unrealistic to me; however, I did believe that I could make a living or at least wow some people. After all, my greater goal was and still is to reach people's souls and talk to their spirit. If you want to give me money for the work I do, so that I can continue without financial worry then I am greatly appreciative. Otherwise I prefer this hard road instead of the easy one.. There's something about it and what I believe, as a Christian, that makes me feel this is the more profitable way.
A reward for my efforts?
It has effectively been twenty years since I started this endeavor. In this time I have learned a lot of hard lessons when it comes to being... A Starving Artist.
With these lessons came the fortitude to withstand more. I have gone through many sessions and many 'gaps' of time. I've had successes and failures of all kinds and the big lesson in the end was to challenge my resolve. Is this something I even want?
I have gained artistic abilities that I didn't ever think I would have, but I also don't know if the shift is indicative of something on the lines of switching forms. I've looked at the digital shift as a necessity based on the times, but I've also resented a lot of it because it meant having a different kind of resource and therefore be put further away from mastery or equal competence with professionals.
My shortcoming financially were only second to those educationally. What I found is that all the schools that I wanted to attend for graphic design were out of my reach and anything that was in my reach was completely out of my interest. Ultimately I started to see the educational approach as the quickest way to go into the debt and the quietest way towards intellectual suicide.
I am not suggesting that graphic designers are soul-less. What I am implying is that my personality couldn't handle the demands and my desire for freedom came with a high price. Yet in the end it is my desire to fly freely in my creative space and to not be boxed into a type of thinking about form or abstract conceptualization.. I now had effectively found myself outside of real space. Realistically speaking, I was not. I was so outside the box I couldn't see straight edges on anything.
And that's when things started to make no sense at all. I saw things much differently than I had for quite some time and at that point it had been at least fifteen years into the endeavor; however, it wasn't just one endeavor that suffered behind my sudden creative incapacitation. Even though I wasn't feeling stifled I did feel as though something weren't right with me. I was already far removed from the idea of seeking professional help, but I also didn't think this particular problem was something I should seek a professional for.
Perhaps the most strange thing over time has been the ebb and flow of my creative process. Especially that I keep going over things and taking out anything that resembles someone else's work. Some similarities to certain attributes are pretty much unavoidable, but I'm speaking more on the lines of story archetypes and how impossible it is to make a new one (besides not being afraid of the archetypes predefinition to my existence, I don't see the value of trying to be so unique you're unrecognizable to anything anyone can relate to).
That's where we enter my Thirties. The dirty thirties as they call it.. And maybe this saying will stick well with me if I can survive until I'm 40. Though I must point out that right now it isn't looking too bad if we consider my sanity, but anything could happen from here to then. So I try to live my life as though I don't have much time, but also thankful for every minute of it. It's not like I can think back to a time where I used to think... "Hey, I wonder what I'll be like when I'm 35. I wonder what I'll be doing and what I'll want for the next 5 years"
I did give this kind of consideration to my twenties when I was a teenager and I thought about what I might look like physically when I hit 30..
Unfortunately I wasn't prepared for any of this in any kind of way other than what led me here bit by bit over the years--God.
At one point I did feel like the synchronicity in life, coupled with the heartbreak all throughout, was starting to wear me down. I was starting to feel like maybe I was doing something wrong and what I couldn't see is that my talents were working to source the pain.
But how is someone supposed to work through that? What are they supposed to do to help themselves understand that what they are good at isn't a bad thing, but it is attracting bad stuff. It's not like I would ever stop my art if someone, other than God, told me that. I would probably mock them and find scripture to clear my head of their ideas of what my talents should be or what they mean.
I felt that the way things were going, the zeitgeist and the growing tensions, it was just a point in my life that I couldn't focus on much of anything other than escaping the reality other people put me in.
And it took time and a lot of unexpected losses to get to this point, where I feel there is more to come.
Even though I have no idea of what is going on right now, I have a strong feeling it all points towards one direction.
The Title.
